The Wolf of Wall Street’s desperate search for quaaludes after they were discontinued = Me but with Reese’s eggs at this time of the year
— Aaron Hertzog (@aaronhertzog) May 1, 2014
I keep trying to write a memoir but all I have is the title, “Publish this after my parents are dead”.
— Short Stack (@ShortStackPhila) May 1, 2014
Im searching for the peace of mind that only seems attainable by the dudes figure skating at center ice during open skate.
— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) May 1, 2014
You know what they say, April showers bring May bloodlust, I think, whatever, who do I look like Bartlett from Bartlett’s? Back off man
— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) April 30, 2014
The truth will set you up, convict you, and throw you in jail.
— Alex Grubard (@Alexgrubard) April 30, 2014
If you tell a little boy he’s going to grow up to be a lady killer, remember someone may have said that to Ted Bundy.
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) April 29, 2014
Karate>>>>>>>>>acting, in regard to my chops
— dennis trapney (@classic_dennis) April 29, 2014
Tori Spelling hospitalized; admitted to the Has-Been unit of Cedars Sinai where she remains under observation by, she hopes, lots of people
— Chris Dolan (@CMDolan99) April 28, 2014
When it comes to parenting advice, I trust Alicia Silverstone more than ANY other person who’s ever been in multiple Aerosmith videos.
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) April 29, 2014
One day I want to be wealthy enough to warrant making a whole grocery list
— Chris O’Connor (@aChrisOConnor) April 26, 2014
George Clooney’s engaged? Oh good, FINALLY someone’s buying that cow.
— Alison (@Alison_lynnZ) May 1, 2014
Follow @freeforallcmdy on Twitter for more retweets of the best jokes from Philadelphia comedians, information on our upcoming shows, and details about other Philadelphia-area shows that feature some of the comics you see on our stage.