Tough supermarket, sign above the register says "12 Items or Else".
— Amir Gollan (@AGollan) March 26, 2014
Always use the urinal closest to the ground because I'll never forget my humble beginnings.
— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) March 26, 2014
Some people fake it during sex. I fake it during conversations. E.g. instead of "I'm coming I'm coming!", "I'm empathizing I'm empathizing!"
— Alison (@Alison_lynnZ) March 24, 2014
I'm confused. Which is the one allowed to dance on the job: traffic cop or human trafficking cop?
— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) March 22, 2014
"The card is just signed 'Love, Grandma'. Is it from grandma with the neck tattoo or grandma with the ear gauges?" -kids in 30 years
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) March 20, 2014
The hardest part of saying goodbye to my kids every morning is worrying that one of them will accidentally overwrite one of my saved games.
— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) March 28, 2014
My lone wedding vow should've been "Someone to split fries with forever."
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 27, 2014
I would've been violently offended by the burp I just heard if I wasn't the only person in this room.
— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) March 27, 2014
I was cast in" Dr Fellatio's Car Wash Sluts 7" until Mathew Broderick lowered his asking price. #fb
— John Kensil (@johnkensil) March 26, 2014
Follow @freeforallcmdy on Twitter for more retweets of the best jokes from Philadelphia comedians, information on our upcoming shows, and details about other Philadelphia-area shows that feature some of the comics you see on our stage.