Newark cops trying to find couple who had public sex on St. Patrick’s Day. They’re wanted for “lewd acts” in DE & “high-fives” in Boston.
— Alison (@Alison_lynnZ) March 21, 2014
“He looks kind of like a young Frankie Muniz.” -A Guy Describing Present-Day Frankie Muniz
— Mikey Garcia (@imikeygarcia) March 20, 2014
Does anyone know how to undo pouring salsa all over your laptop? I tried Command-Z but the keys don’t work.
— Aaron Nevins (@AaronNevins) March 20, 2014
AGAIN! Had my cart, all set to grocery shop, and I realize I grabbed the list of people who’ve wronged me.
— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) March 20, 2014
“You can bet on black or red. The odds are identical. Claims to the contrary are false.” Wesley Snopes
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 19, 2014
I’m taking the El with a stomach virus aka heroin LARPing.
— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) March 18, 2014
I don’t send dick pics, I send dick headshots + dick resume.
— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) March 20, 2014
“….OR we could eat lunch again.” -My brain’s input whenever I’m making plans
— James Hesky (@JamesHesky) March 15, 2014
My dog had to jump though hoops to join the Vegas Dog Circus and by “jump though hoops” I mean “Sleep with the booker” #fb
— John Kensil (@johnkensil) March 20, 2014
Banning gay people from a parade is like banning (insert group of people) from (what that group of people stereotypically loves the most.)
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) March 17, 2014
Some guy just told me I look like a statue. Probably because of my shrivelly bird.
— Aaron Hertzog (@aaronhertzog) March 15, 2014
Follow @freeforallcmdy on Twitter for more retweets of the best jokes from Philadelphia comedians, information on our upcoming shows, and details about other Philadelphia-area shows that feature some of the comics you see on our stage.