Opinions are like assholes; I care more about mine than yours.
— Eddie Finn (@eddiejfinn) February 13, 2014
Taylor Swift gives credit for her new short hair to her stylist, a 3-year-old w/ scissors who understandably confused her w/ a Barbie doll.
— Alison (@Alison_lynnZ) February 13, 2014
Just smushed one of my cat’s hairballs with the other cat’s hairball to demonstrate the Comcast/Time Warner Cable merger.
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) February 13, 2014
“I ate everything.” “Huh?” “I ate everything.” “Ohh, I thought you said “you HATE everything.”” “Same thing.”
— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) February 9, 2014
“I don’t like doughnuts.” -A liar
— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) February 14, 2014
The real winner at the Olympics is that small mom and pop factory in Sochi that makes the “Lugers Do It Lying Down” bumper stickers.
— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) February 14, 2014
The only thing that makes me happier than seeing a dancing traffic cop is seeing a dancing homicide detective.
— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) February 13, 2014
I’m afraid I’m going to get arrested for displeasuring myself in public.
— Aaron Nevins (@AaronNevins) February 12, 2014
I’m very generous in bed except when it comes to Doritos.
— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) February 14, 2014
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