Superpower I want: the ability to know when the opening bands are done so you show up right in time for the headliner.
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) January 17, 2014
Someday I want to be so rich that I die in a skiing accident.
— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) January 14, 2014
Just got back from Pittsburg and boy is my desire to not be in Pittsburg tired.
— Sidney Gantt (@SidneyWithAnI) January 14, 2014
I’m pretty sure my friend had a kid just to win arguments by saying “Dude, I swear on my son.”
— Kevin Ryan (@KevinRyan00) January 13, 2014
If it were mozzarella cheese no one would even care about that guy.
— Trevor Cunnion (@TrevorCunnion) January 13, 2014
“He’s so handsome when he runs.” -thing I just said about my dog. Gonna go hide from my dad for a while.
— Carl Boccuti (@bocooter) January 15, 2014
Look I know I’ll never be a supermodel but I think I have a pretty decent shot at being a person who wears clothes
— Alison (@Alison_lynnZ) January 17, 2014
Follow @freeforallcmdy on Twitter for more retweets of the best jokes from Philadelphia comedians, information on our upcoming shows, and details about other Philadelphia-area shows that feature some of the comics you see on our stage.