tweetin is like showin your dong, you gotta do it at least once a day or people forget who you are
— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) November 21, 2013
A mentally ill woman just looked at me and said "You're dead. I see it." Finally, a woman who can see my soul.
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) November 20, 2013
You guys all fantasize about getting hit by a rich dude drunk driving whenever you're walking around, right?
— Aaron Hertzog (@aaronhertzog) November 20, 2013
Scariest thing about marriage is probably the bloody club my wife swings whenever I go near the pile of dead people she keeps in the garage.
— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) November 18, 2013
I understand that pardoning a turkey every year is a tradition but…what if the turkey did it?
— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) November 17, 2013
Can you suffer for your art but with dental insurance?
— Alison Lynn (@Alison_lynnZ) November 22, 2013
Acme Supermarkets have just named me "Sexiest Man in the Cereal Aisle After Midnight".
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) November 20, 2013
Its weird when your listening to Wings on the radio and your boss tells you that "everyone knows you masturbate in the bathroom please stop"
— Patrick Graves (@PatrickGravesIV) November 22, 2013
Will somebody please get George Zimmerman off the streets before he kills a white person?!
— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) November 18, 2013
Having your parents follow you on twitter is like leaving them a breadcrumb trail to where they went wrong.
— Ahamed Weinberg (@ahamedweinberg) November 21, 2013
The next iPhone should have a button that simultaneously dials 911 and starts recording YouTube video.
— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) November 22, 2013
"Do you need to wear glasses everyday?" "Usually just when I'm hungover. So yes."
— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) November 21, 2013
Follow @freeforallcmdy on Twitter for more retweets of the best jokes from Philadelphia comedians, information on our upcoming shows, and details about other Philadelphia-area shows that feature some of the comics you see on our stage.