If I was on Survivor, I would tell everyone on my tribe I had a different name. Then no one could vote me because no one would know my name.
— Holding Court (@holdingcourtpod) November 4, 2013
Weight loss tip: Lose the baby weight by traveling back in time and stopping your past self from ever having the baby.
— Alison Lynn (@Alison_lynnZ) November 3, 2013
I’m afraid to check under my coat but I’m not sure if I remembered to put on a shirt today.
— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) November 4, 2013
Saying you’re 1/16th Cherokee makes you sound even whiter.
— Mikey Garcia (@imikeygarcia) November 4, 2013
Every year for Halloween my family goes as a group of drunk carolers.
— Amir Gollan (@AGollan) October 31, 2013
“Have you ever danced with the devil by the pale moonlight, no homo?” ~ Homophobic Joker
— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) November 8, 2013
Spotify suggested I listen to Jane’s Addiction. I had no idea Spotify was a drug rug wearing burnout I went to high school with.
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) November 8, 2013
My spirit animal is a junkyard dog.
— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) November 4, 2013
If the govt takes away our guns, what will we drunkenly brandish at nieces’ bday parties, because NOBODY tells me how to scoop ice cream!
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) November 7, 2013
JUST ATE TUNA STRAIGHT OUT THE CAN LIKE A MOTHAFUCKIN’ BOSS (WHO IS ALSO A CAT) #catboss
— Aaron Hertzog (@aaronhertzog) November 6, 2013
I think the food is in this food court because it’s being tried for murder.
— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) November 8, 2013
Follow @freeforallcmdy on Twitter for more retweets of the best jokes from Philadelphia comedians, information on our upcoming shows, and details about other Philadelphia-area shows that feature some of the comics you see on our stage.