My wife wants a baby. The only thing I want inside me that badly for 9 consecutive months is self esteem.
— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) August 20, 2013
I'm a AAA Platinum Member (I've been in one million accidents)
— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) August 20, 2013
I never knew my real parents. I mean, I knew them, but not intimately. Like, we never fucked or anything.
— its joe bell time (@JoeBeII) August 20, 2013
My wife told me I need to stop stuffing my face until I get sick at parties. Yeah, sure, I'll just make conversation with people instead.
— J DOIN COMEDEE GRAMM (@jgrammond) August 20, 2013
I have become the very thing I've hunted: a gummy bear.
— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) August 20, 2013
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