A Few Questions With: Alex Pearlman (Who Then Asked the Questions to Victoria Long)

Each week we interview one of the comedians we have set to perform on the upcoming Free For All. We see it as a way to promote the show, and get out some information to help audiences get to know the comedians they see regularly . This week, we sent some questions via email to Alex Pearlman. In response, Alex told us “I had a hell of a time answering these questions, so I just interviewed my girlfriend, Victoria Long, and had her answer them while I transcribed her responses.” So…here are Vicki’s answers to the questions we asked Alex.

Free For All: Tell us a story about your second-favorite minor historical figure.

Victoria Long:  Betsy Ross, Pirate slut.  I may or may not be right about this, because I was drunk at the Betsy Ross museum years ago.  But apparently, Betsy Ross, had a lot of husbands that died untimely deaths that I believe she may have had a hand in.  One of those husbands was a pirate, who taught her how to make pirate flag, and that’s how she knew how to make the American flag.  So I love her the most, cause she was a pirate slut that may have killed her husbands to get to some more dick.

FFA: What were your creative outlets before comedy? Were you a poet or a painter or some shit?

VL:  My creative outlets before I started having to deal with Pearlman and standup comedy were actual conversations with people who listened.  When I used to talk about a life event, it was to reflect on them and not to pull that event apart to display it to strangers in the back of a Burrito Bar.  I was very active in working out and fitness, but due to the constraints of Pearlman’s Jagermeister and cigarette consumption physical activity is not something he will accompany me in.  Also, I used to model, but the supreme egomaniac can’t know that, or he won’t feel like the “local celebrity” in this relationship.

FFA: What are your likes and dislikes about using Reddit to promote comedy? Also how does Reddit work? We don’t understand.

VL: Reddit is for when Alex wakes up early and has nothing to do, it’s the website he goes to to look at cat pictures or standupshots that he gets mad at.  When he sees a standupshot that is so inferior and infuriating he then googles that person and internet stalks their life so he can judge them more.  So he can then return to reddit with ammunition to berate that person on whatever that subreddit is.  I don’t know what subreddits are, he just yells that a lot.  And this is time filler when he should be finding a real job or walking the dog or doing the fucking laundry.

FFA: Who is your dream internet feud against, and how would you get it started?

VL: If I could have Alex have one internet feud, it would be with Bobby Lorello.  Nah, just kinding cause Bobby Lorello would win.  Once people see that adorable Bob’s Big Boy look-a-like face they are immediately stunned by his adorable nature and you just want to pinch his cheek and fix his hair.

But in reality, I think Pearlman’s internet feud should be with Amanda Bynes.  If Pearlman got into a feud with Amadna Bynes he would become famous cause the media follows the shit out of her and she constantly starts Twitter fights for no reason on her own.  Feuding with Amanda Bynes could actually propel Pearlman’s ‘career’ forward, showing that twitter feuds are a viable way towards fame.  This whole thought process is dumb, because Amanda Bynes is currently in a mental institution for being a bipolar schizophrenic that has a popular twitter account and Pearlman should probably be in the orthopedic padded room next to hers.

Does anyone know how to get that paperwork started?

FFA: Apologize to Jim Grammond. (For this:)

Victoria: Who is Jim Grammond?
Pearlman: You’ve met Jim. He’s a white guy with sleeve tattoos, glasses and a beard.
Victoria: I don’t remember him.  He just sounds like a thin John Nunn.

You can see Alex Pearlman perform this Wednesday, August 21 at Free For All. Maybe you will be able to see Vicki there in attendance. 

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