“It’s Elementary” is a weekly column asking Free For All comedians to share funny memories from their elementary school years, namely events from their childhood that have informed their personal and comedic identities. Or, they’ll just submit some random anecdotes. Whatever they want, really.
by Dave Metter
I have always been fascinated by what has influenced and inspired comedy writers, especially during their youths when their comedic senses were still so fresh and less judgmental. This week features the hardest working man in comedy Aaron Nevins who will be performing at Free For All tomorrow night, Wednesday August 14th.
My elementary school experience was a string of horrible embarrassments that ruined my life forever. Here are three examples.
1st Period: The Bus
I made an ass out of myself to a girl on my first day of Kindergarten. We were on the same school bus. She was a first grader, and even early on I had a thing for older women. She sat across the aisle from me and loudly gabbed to the bus driver about god knows what, all the while munching on chocolate pretzels from her lunch bag. At six years old, I decided to employ a tactic that pickup artists now refer to as “negging.” I leaned over to the girl and said cockily, “Ever heard of the word, ‘Don’t talk with your mouth full’?” She very quickly retorted, “That’s not a word, it’s a sentence.” That’s when I simultaneously learned what a sentence was, and that pickup artist tactics are bullshit (it went nowhere).
2nd Period: The Cafetorium
I squirted Marinara sauce from a Lunchable into a girl’s hair in third grade. I swear it was an accident. You know how hard it is to open those marinara packets. I had been struggling with it for minutes, which is precious time during a lunch period, so I finally took one good rip at it. The marinara launched out of the plastic and into the hair of a girl named Diana, who was sitting across from me. Diana had a Jew-fro, and as you know, a female Jew-fro is rare and exotic. I felt like I had dumped toxic sludge on a panda. I have to admit, it looked pretty hilarious when the marinara landed in her fro, because it completely flattened it in the middle, forming a giant part. They should seriously try to recreate this effect on an episode of Mythbusters, or in a painting.
3rd Period: The Rest of the Day
I peed my pants during an indoor recess in fourth grade. I remember the exact phrase that made me do it: “TWO LADIES.” My friend Eric and I were playing a made-up card game using five different types of cards, during which he threw down a card that read “TWO LADIES,” an unexpected phrase that made me laugh so hard it burst the dam that was keeping a flood of urine from drenching my khakis.
FACT #1: Nobody who has peed their pants in public has ever managed to look cool doing so.
FACT #2: I wasn’t cool to begin with.
FACT #3: There is no cool way to ask to go to the nurse because you peed your pants.
So what was my solution? To sit in my pee for the remaining three hours of the day and hope nobody noticed that my pants were a much darker shade of tan than they were earlier. Turns out there’s no cool way to do that either. EVERYONE knew, and yet NOBODY was saying it. Kids would look over, catch my eye, then quickly look away. Other kids would very subtly try to cover their nose with their shirts to dodge the smell. Finally, my teacher brought me to the back of the class, giving me ample opportunity to confide in her this poorly hidden secret so I could leave the room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted to tell her. I thought about it.
“No,” I said. “There’s nothing I want to tell you.” And I sloshed back over to my desk.
Aaron Nevins hosts a monthly talk show at the Plays & Players Theater called HANG ON, the next installment of which is on August 31st. Tickets are available at http://hangon.brownpapertickets.com. Aaron also hosts a web series for Helium Comedy called The Up-and-Comer, and co-runs a showcase/open mic every Sunday night at Fergie’s Pub called Tight Six. Follow Aaron on Twitter @AaronNevins.
Dave Metter is a comedy person. Check out Dave’s fake local news show “Your News, Philadelphia!” each first Friday starting October 4th at the Shubin Theater. Follow Dave on Twitter @DaveMetter.